I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
third nipple confirmed
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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