my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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