you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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