really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
