To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize