I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
