Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
