So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
