I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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