captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
