Betty ford says i'm here all night
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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