I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
