Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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