She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
