we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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