I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
