suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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