Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
