It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
