I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I cut my penus on the lid.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I am available for nakedness
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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