he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
