Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
