we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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