like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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