my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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