The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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