It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
