I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
