ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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