Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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