I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
