I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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