So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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