I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
