i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
