I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
