i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
