I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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