Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
