Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
