I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
