and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
