meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
