I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
