I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
