Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
