Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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