you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
