Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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