He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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