This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
