I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
