Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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