I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
